Alone
by classicalreader313
Summary: Ian Malcolm reaches out to Ellie in the aftermath of the San Diego incident. (post-The Lost World)


The Rex was tranquilized.

The attack on San Diego was over.

Dr. Ian Malcolm slumped against the side of the ship, breathing heavily, sweat trickling down his face as the events of the past two days came back to him, hitting him like a brick wall. His mind was swimming, images surfacing and just as quickly sinking away into the murky turmoil of his addled brain. He saw the snapping jaws of the raptors, the trailers exploding on the rocks far below, the ripples in the puddles of rainwater as the tyrannosaurs ravaged the camp.

One name came to mind before his vision tunneled and he was reduced to a trembling mess. "Kelly!" he rasped.

His mouth felt dry and he straightened his body up, his knuckles turning white around the ship's wooden railing. He looked all around but he could see nothing. Far away, police were running towards the ship, leaping over toppled boxes of cargo. He swung his head to the right, and there was Sarah Harding, the tranquilizer gun in her hand;, her red hair, bushy and tangled, was swept behind her ears.

She looked to him, and for a moment, they made eye contact. In her eyes, he could see traces of relief, but he felt nothing. Just a clenching in his stomach, a reminder that he wasn't alright after his first encounter with dinosaurs, and he sure as hell wasn't alright now. The fear clung around him like heavy smoke as he tore his gaze from Sarah's and disembarked the ship, with his daughter being the only one on his mind.

* * *

He found Kelly about an hour later, with Nick van Owen by her side. She threw her arms around him, and Ian nodded his thanks to Nick, before picking up his little girl and spinning her around, her legs swinging around like a helicopter.

This is when he let himself cry; a culmination of the joy he felt just knowing that she was safe, as well as his irrepressible fear that this might be the last time her ever saw her.

As they pulled away from each other, Kelly figured that her father's tears were those of happiness, and he didn't have it in him to tell her otherwise.

* * *

About a month after the incident, Ian found himself with shaky hands as he picked up the phone and fumbled to dial the first number that came to mind. He was breathing hard as the phone rang, and then there was someone on the other end.

"Hello?"

Ian let out a ragged breath, almost crying at the sound of her voice.

"Ellie? It's, uh, it's me. Ian Malcolm."

"Ian!" The scientist was in shock. She had barely heard from Ian since the incident on Isla Nublar. Sure, she had seen him on TV, but that was hardly the Dr. Malcolm she remembered; on TV, he looked shifty, rattled. "How are you?"

He let out a humorless laugh on the other end. "I've been better…. Uh, I'm sure you've heard about the San Diego thing by now…"

"Yes," Ellie nodded. She and Alan had followed the story closely, often discussing it late into the night. "And the research mission on Isla Sorna," she added.

"God, I'm an idiot," Ian said, smoothing down his dark hair as he held the phone up to his ear. "Twice…. twice I've been to those islands… you, uh, you heard about Kelly, right?"

"Your daughter, yes," Ellie said, unsure where this was going. "I didn't know you had a daughter."

"Well, I guess you don't get much of a change to go into, ah, personal details when you're running for your life from psychotic dinosaurs."

Ellie smiled softly. "I guess you're right. Now… Ian, it's been awhile since you called me. Is- is something bothering you?"

She could hear a deep sigh on the other side of the phone. Maybe now she was getting somewhere…

"You know Sarah too… right?"

"Yeah. How is she?" Ellie asked.

"Oh, I wouldn't know… probably swell."

"What do you mean, Ian?" Ellie felt her stomach twist.

"I, uh… well, I called it off with her… about a week after San Diego."

Ellie pursed her lips and was about to speak, but Ian continued.

"I- I know it was stupid. I mean, after Isla Nublar, you had Alan… you know? You both made it off the damn island, and then you had each other. I mean, I went home, spent a few months drugged up on morphine in a hospital bed, and then I was, uh, I was alone.

"But this time, I had Sarah. Sarah was there with me. And I, uh, I let her go. So, I'm alone. I lost Sarah. I'm a, uh, goddamn idiot… that's what I am."

Ellie swallowed, trying to piece the story together. "Why did you call it off with Sarah?"

"Because she was the whole reason I was there. I was back on those islands… two tyrannosaurs, they were, uh, looking right at me." Ian shook his head to clear it. "But really, it's because of Kelly. Kelly almost died… god, I don't even know how many times. If Sarah hadn't gone, then I wouldn't have gone, and Kelly wouldn't have gone… She would've stayed home, safe and sound. And maybe I'd still get to see her every once in awhile." He shrugged. "I could do these 'what ifs?' forever- and believe me, I have- but either way, uh… I'm alone."

Ellie wiped at her eyes before asking in a shaky voice, "You can't see Kelly anymore?"

"If she was your daughter, would you let her see me again? The madman who took her off to dino island?"

"It wasn't your fault though, right? You didn't know she was stowed away?"

"No, I didn't, but that doesn't make much difference to her mother…" he trailed. "I am an idiot, right? I should've stayed with Sarah. Really, she was the only one I had left. She was there, too…. she knew.

"But after it was all over, I looked at her, and I didn't love her. Actually, I, uh, I hated her. I was so furious with her. Going through all that again, and bringing Kelly along too… I don't hate Sarah now… she has a wonderful mind and she's a kind woman, it's just… I can't be with her… am I making sense?" he asked helplessly.

Ellie was holding her breath on the other end. The desperation in his voice floored her. "Yeah, Ian. I understand you," she said quietly. She felt a small sigh of relief on the other side of the phone, and her heart clenched. "Why don't you… tell me about it?"

* * *

Much of the night was spent on the phone with Ian, until the sun painted pastel streaks over the badlands. Both telling and hearing the story chilled them to their core, and when they finally hung up a little after 5:00 AM, the pair felt drained and exhausted.

Soon after that, Ian Malcolm fell asleep, the dark curtains drawn to keep out the sun. He didn't know how long it had been since he'd slept so soundly, nightmares temporarily at bay.

Ellie, on the other hand, stood from the stool in the kitchen, next to where the phone hung on the wall. Light streamed through the trailer's dingy windows. She opened the door, where the land was spread out before her; she could see for miles all around.

A wall of dry heat hit her, but she was grateful as it drove away the goose bumps that covered her skin as she listened to Ian's story.

On the horizon, she saw the golden sun hoisting itself into the sky.

Ellie went to meet it.


End file.
